Am I going bald?

I have to admit that I’m starting to thin on top. Should I shave my head?

T. Scott – Ontario

Hi, T. Scott,

If you’ve ever been in Istanbul’s Ataturk airport, you know what I’m going to say. There are few things in life more shocking than getting ready for a transfer flight and seeing dozens and dozens of men who have gone through recent hair transplant surgery waiting for their flights back home. Istanbul must have a stranglehold on male-pattern hair loss (MPHL) solutions. These guys walk around proudly with blood-soaked bandages on their heads, giving each other knowing little nods. We’re going to look rock stars when we get back to Dubai.

It’s no great revelation that 7 out of 10 of us experience some degree of hair as we age. I am completely convinced, though, that the evolutionary-balance is that 7 out of 10 women don’t care whatsoever. Nonetheless, what we do when we start to go bald is an important question.

Okay, before addressing your question, I will first of all address an easier question. When we start to add some weight to our midsection (as probably 7 out of 10 of us do), do we continue to wear the same T-shirt that we did in our twenties? Yes, it’s ironically cool that we saw Van Halen’s pre-tour warm-up gig at Sam the Record Man for their 1998 III Tour (though Gary Cherone?) but with our added belly girth, that T-shirt would make us look like we worked at a computer repair store. Instead, frame the T-shirt, put it in the mancave, and buy something from Stitch Fix.

So it goes with our thinning hair. If we even momentarily think that growing it a bit longer will make us look less bald, then we are fractions of an inch away from a combover. Those friends of our dad’s? They had no idea that they had a combover. They honestly thought that no one noticed. Except when swimming. Which they tended not to do very often.

Did you know that there was something called the Norwood Scale? A doctor dude back in the 50’s came up with this to convince us that we needed to reverse what nature thought was a wise and noble progression. And with that came the whole hair replacement industry. Plugs and wigs, buttocks-to-head transplants, hair-in-a-can aerosol sprays. I’m hoping that our children’s children will laugh to know that men obsessed about hair loss. They will walk around like the Romans, envious of those lucky enough to be endowed with the senatorial look of MPHL.

Here’s where my basic grooming philosophy comes into play. You want to shave your head? Go for it. But don’t set yourself up for being ridiculous, which in this case would mean spending an extra 40 minutes in the shower each morning making sure that you are shiny bald. Why do guys do that? I think it’s still a form of bald-shaming. After a day or two, the male-pattern baldness returns. The shock! That guy’s not naturally shiny bald! He has the lines of a balding male! Is there something wrong with him?

We need to embrace our male-pattern baldness. And then find a suitable haircut. Go ahead, shave it down with a Number 2. See how it looks. Too short? Then let it grow, which it remarkably will do. Maybe underneath that hair is one perfectly shaped head. Then Zero it down! And after you’ve screwed around with your razor a few times… go see a barber! He’ll pick something out, based on your face shape, where you’re balding, and your style.

The other day I saw a handsome middle-aged guy and it took me a minute to figure out what was different. He was dressed smartly in these olive-colored chinos and a bomber jacket. He had a short-trimmed beard. And then. Bam. Wow. Brave! Instead of completely bald with the beard, which is everywhere, he had let his hair, I guess a VI on Norwood’s scale, grow a bit. Obviously professionally cut. I used to think that guys who went completely bald were the brave ones. But this guy, embracing his MPHL, he’s like our Superhero. Fearless.

So, my recommendation to you, T. Scott, is take a deep breath, acknowledge that you are no longer twenty, and be brave. Shave it or let it grow. But don’t bother hiding it. No one, especially 7 out of 10 women, is going to be fooled.

-R.L.
Chop That Wood

Should I grow a beard?

I’ve always been clean-shaven but think I might look good in a beard. What do you think?

Sean – Michigan

Hi, Sean. This is one of the easiest questions to answer.

Yes.

Whether you are a corporate executive or a personal trainer, growing a beard in your middle ages is essential. You are old enough to decide what you want to do with the hair follicles on your face.

Grow it because it’ll give you something to reflect on, and that’s the point of our middle ages. You can’t grow a beard without realizing – I look older. You may look better, too.

So, yes, grow your beard. And then ask yourself a further question: should I keep it? And to answer that question, you have to consider four things:

1. What does my spouse think? You will have to look at your beard a couple of times a day in the mirror. Your spouse not only has to look at it all the time, she may also want to physically interact with it. While some women can’t get enough of a man with a beard, others will respond the same as if you announced you’ve been diagnosed as having leprosy.  

2. Am I prepared to keep it well-groomed? Throwing on some shave cream and running a blade over your face each morning is the easiest thing to do. Unless you want to look like a crazed prophet, you’re going to need a good trimmer, scissors, some beard oil, and be prepared to trim it at least weekly. And don’t forget to head to a mirror each time after you eat to make sure you’re not sharing your love for barbecue sauce with the rest of the world.   

3. Can I keep my hands off it? Some men grow beards and can’t get out of the habit of pulling on it like a brooding professor. No one likes to watch that. And touching your face is a surefire way to spread germs.

4. Can you walk that razor line between over-groomed and under-groomed? Your style is up to you. But don’t be ridiculous. A pencil-thin moustache and chin line? An eight-inch long taper? Ridiculous in both cases. Grow a beard but keep it groomed. And make sure your beard matches your hairstyle. If you don’t know if it does, ask your barber. And spend the extra few dollars to have it shaped each time you visit him. Remember that you’re in your middle ages. Don’t be a cheapskate.

Finally, beards are safer than many fashion choices you may make in your middle ages. Unlike a tattoo, you can try it out for a couple of months and see.

-R.L.
Chop That Wood